This morning was the first day I felt truly rested since I started on this Odyssey. I moved the box filled with police reports away from sight of my bed and talked to my fiance for awhile then fell in to a very deep, restful sleep. Things have been restless lately so getting a good uninterrupted 4 hours was so welcomed and I feel much more clear headed and strong this morning. I’ll just say it, yesterday was tough and my body was in pain and nausea all day. This kind of thing really does affect the body.
Sticking to my plan of extreme self care is so important and I’m making my smoothies every morning with frozen strawberries and baby kale and ginger root and apples and bananas and my green powder and whatever else seems good to throw in. It’s good medicine but I’m also indulging on my favorite – coffee. Hey, it’s the Pacific Northwest, that’s a requirement.
This morning I wrote another chapter–based on the 91 page police report from my interview I read yesterday. It took me in to Cindy’s journal as well and I transcribed a letter she’d written to herself right after marrying Michael on the hotel stationery she’d brought home from the Sahara in Las Vegas.
I’ll just share some excerpts now of both of those things with the letter first, then my police interview. When Cindy wrote this letter to herself, she had less than two months left on Earth.
Is all this very healthy for me? I think yes and no – no because I need to do things on my own- get my life together by myself and this relationship does put added stress on my life and distracts me from my issues – no because I can see already it’s setting me on a path to get myself together which is alot better than the path I was on (which I was covering up).
Now, I’ve made my decision. Where do I go from here? Be strong Cindy – it’s your decision- it’s your life NOT Kathy’s, Mom and Dad’s, even Michael, but think about ME.
And from my police interview, exactly two months after she wrote herself this letter:
Kathy Monkman: I don’t trust one word that comes out of his mouth. I didn’t like him from the beginning, I didn’t trust him from the beginning. I, I, I think he’s, professionally speaking, sociopathic, is what was my feeling about him from the get go. I never trusted him from the beginning. I don’t trust a guy that asks a girl to marry him the very minute he meets her. You know, I mean, that first night I met him I thought this guy’s a snake. He’s in this Bobby McGee’s in a tuxedo dripping with gold, you know, just hot shit you know. I tried real hard to like him and I told Cindy that, I said, I will try to like this guy, you have married him. She was forbidden to tell me that they got a dog. I mean, he couldn’t, she couldn’t tell me like the most minute things about their relationship. She would be on the phone like whispering and we had this little code which if Michael was in the room and it was something she couldn’t tell me she’d press one of the numbers, it was would make a beep, you know, like….
I don’t know where this day will take me from here. I think I’ll start with some fresh air and a walk. I’ve been writing for two hours.
Thanks for coming along….feels good to not be so alone.