Again I woke up at 3am-ish and decided to do some meditating and pull a card from my Angelic Messenger Deck. A great thing about a road trip is you can just throw things in that you may or may not want and in this case I’ve really been using those cards as part of my support system.
I pulled the card Encouragement. These are some of the words that go with it:
You have drawn this card to reinforce your belief in yourself and your ability to change and heal your life. You may feel as if the old fears and obsessions are gaining strength again because your inner assurance and self-confidence might be shaken by some recent event.
This is a time when you may need to face the transforming of your old patterns and do so by yourself, since friends may be withdrawn in to their own concerns. You are being guided to understand that you can do whatever is required to heal because you have invoked Divine Love to help you begin a new life. You are ready for improved physical health, for relationships with people who are themselves healthier and more capable of sustaining a relationship with you, and for the means to value and be of service to yourself.
I wrote another chapter this morning and here is a snippet…how fitting I was thinking about the end of the abusive years with my stepmother and wrote about that in line with the choosing of that card.
From this morning’s writing session:
The pages were not only voluminous in number but bloated with words. She would write front and back, on every line of the yield-sign yellow lined paper. Then she would go back and add things in to the margins with arrows and long trails.
It was some kind of manic stream of consciousness attempting to give her analysis on the family conflicts, you know, from kind of a professional perspective. She would dig back in to the family tree, discussing vulnerabilities and conflicts she’d been able to cull from other family members about our Grandmothers, our mother, anything she could find to support her various hypotheses. The constant theme was basically how fucked up we all were and where it all came from.
There was dissertation about how people got along, didn’t get along, who did what, who said what digging often way back to things we’d gone through as children and, in our vulnerability, had shared with her. Cindy had it right when she said she would use those things against us some day and this is how she did it. Stockpiling grievances and insecurities and weakness to bring up to the present to funnel in to one predictable goal: get herself off the hook for any part she ever played in any conflict.
She was the classic abuser playing victim. She never included any of her own involvement beyond the occasional generic comment like “I know I’ve made mistakes but….”.
Cindy once confronted her on that blasting back “yeah you say that, then name one, what is one mistake that you made?”. Marj went silent but finally was able, after Cindy’s eldest child insistence held her feet to the fire, to serve back “One mistake was, I let you children get to me”.
Speaking of health, off to make my morning smoothie then a little more research then to the Korean spa to soak in heat and mugwort water. My TGIF after a long week. 🙂