I’m sorry I missed two full days of blogging. I fell in to a rabbit hole for about 24 hours. I guess that should have been predicted. To think I’d be here all these weeks, cave dwelling by myself and diving in to murder, my difficult childhood moments, loss, sadness, etc. and not have it meltdown on me is unrealistic.
I did have a wonderful day out with one of the readers out there who lives in the area on Sunday. We went to a little bakery in her area and I had the best HUGE latte I’ve had since I got here and soup and we talked and talked for hours. Maybe talking to another person about all of this kind of stirred me up, I don’t know. But by the time I got home, I was upset about some stupid superficial stuff in comparison and ended up in a full blown thing with my fiance. We have never had a fight in the time we’ve been together so I guess it was time. My stuff was bouncing off his stuff and we ended up in a weird cold frozen tundra that lasted most of the day yesterday.
We had just lost our path to communication and our normally sunny fun way of of relating. I woke up and I say that kind of sarcastically as I only got about 30 minutes of sleep (but I did catch up on my HBO in the middle of the night!) and we were still stuck. He was much nicer than I was I will say. Not that I was mean, I was just frozen.
I figured the best remedy was to get myself back to the Korean Spa as I was so bummed out and so disconnected from myself and COLD. I knew I wouldn’t get any writing done anyway–this was more of a recovery day.
I got there and dove in to all the hot rooms–the sand room, the stone room, the salt room, then the hot baths and the steam room, then to the tea room then to the cafe where I had delicious Korean healthy food that I could barely taste, then back to the meditation room and finally I looked at the charcoal room. “This will help detoxifying your body and also your mental thoughts” or some such thing. I couldn’t get in there fast enough. Then I popped across the way to the Cabin Room which is a cool refreshing room and saw a little desk in the corner set up like a cute old fashioned class room. On top was a guest book where people were dating and signing little snippets about their stay at the Spa–a cute touch–like Feb. 9, 2015 I spent my birthday here and it was absolutely wonderful. Thanks for making my day so special!
Then there was me, unsigned: I just had my first fight with my fiance and I came here to recover. Just had to say something to somebody. I told John later and we laughed out loud at my finding a way to express myself, in spite of myself.
All day long I kept reflecting on our thing and how I couldn’t find a way out of it and how scared I was. He is coming TOMORROW and all I could think was he was going to cancel. He’s finally seen this scary side of me and he’s gonna bail. I kept checking my phone for the message I knew was coming “I’m cancelling the trip. I just can’t come there now with us like this” but I was getting quick messages about his dream or I love you or what’s the temperature out there?
I still couldn’t respond in kind. I had lost my smile. All day at the spa I saw smiling women all around me, knowing I was in one of my favorite places on earth and all I could think is I’ve lost my smile.
It was not a pleasant place to be, trust me.
I got home and John and I finally talked and it was stilted and awkward, nothing we have EVER experienced before and he said he was busy and had to go. We usually talk for a minimum of an hour. Talking is our strong suit.
Finally I wrote two words in to the text box “overwhelming sadness” and he asked me why. After a little more awkwardness and misfiring, we landed on the phone. And finally the waterworks opened up and the tears began to fall and the deep sobs emerged. It didn’t matter what I was crying about, it was just coming out. And I could hear his warm voice on the other end just saying over and over “I love you Kathy, I love you baby, I love you…”
Then he started crying and we admitted we’d both been checking our phones all day thinking the other one was cancelling the trip. We are so alike and that’s so wonderful but in the conflict realm we need to know the territory as we had absolutely zero road map. Our tears were our Kryptonite as we started sharing our fears and vulnerabilities and for me it’s just all about trust. I’d been hiding and acting so cool and detached about some things that had built up–nothing he had done wrong–just things that were bothering me about a theme that had reached a saturation point and I melted down over it. The theme of course was about “can I trust this person?”
Are we surprised? I’m writing about so many betrayals–most stemming around men and of course the hugest, Cindy’s murder. It affected me so deeply and so personally that this trust thing has paralyzed me for years. What we realized is I can have a hard time getting to trust and it’s nothing he’s doing or not doing, it’s just me struggling. And then we found our center again. We learned things we don’t even know yet I’m sure.
But most importantly we got back to each other.
That’s us on Facetime with tear stained cheeks.
His birthday is today, as is my father’s (I know, right?) He leaves for the town he will be flying out of tonite and spending the night there for his flight tomorrow. I’m so excited now I can’t stand it! I’m so glad we went through that as it opened something up in me that clearly needed to come out. Both of us I think, well I know.
I started smiling again and tasting again last night and slept soundly for 5 hours. I felt again like waking up on Christmas morning as I have every other day here.
Today I will do some writing and some prep work for his visit (girl’s gotta get her manicure!). I’m gonna do what I’ve wanted to for 3 weeks which is take my laptop to the cool local coffee shop and write there. It’s taken me this long to sort of emerge which is interesting cuz usually I’m an out and about girl.
Well not the post anyone was expecting but not surprising either I’m sure.
I feel relieved and in a much clearer space. And today, I will write about Cindy.
Thanks for the patience guys and for holding me in a loving supportive web out there. I feel it.