memoir

speak

~ katiecoolady ~ 2 Comments

You can have crawled through your own fires of Hell, created a beautiful wonderful current life, and still be sharing about what you recovered from for your own reasons, that you don’t need to explain. This does not mean you are “stuck” or “unhealed” (although you can be, fires of Hell can sometimes take a lifetime of continual healing).

You can also choose to be silent about what you went through, which does not mean you haven’t dealt with it. It’s just your way. Both are valid.

I’ve said before, you can have been victimized, but not make your entire identity as “victim” in the way people will criticize others for.

Living your best life, while speaking out about what you survived and continue to survive, can be occurring simultaneously.

For some, it’s hard to hear the voice of your trauma for their own reasons. For others, it’s the life raft they need to keep going. Yet, it’s ok to speak and keep speaking for yourself, knowing it’s part of your own healing path. When your words fall in the right place to help someone else, well that’s a bonus.

I once described my speaking out about a particular issue as a “splinter in my soul” that needed to dislodge in that way. I was asked to erase my words, which to me meant re-inserting that splinter that was already out. Why would I do that to myself?

With that being said, if you are called to tell your story, tell it. If you feel pressured to tell it, but prefer to keep it private, do that for yourself. Let your own needs for the telling/not telling be your compass.

I’ve moved in to what I believe are the best years of my whole life now, because I’ve spoken and re-spoken on certain things. I’m clearing myself. And it’s reinforcing that others find inspiration in watching me rise.

With all that being said, I’m hoping my words from a seven hour interview are cut and strung together tonight in a way that match my intent. And that they tell Cindy’s story with respect and understanding. I liked this production crew (British) and think they are keeping respecting her at the forefront. I felt that from the beginning. And they didn’t even try to reach out to the killers. This is more about Cindy’s story.

I’ve been invited to a Q and A discussion about the episode tomorrow night on Youtube with a true crime channel who I greatly admire. She chooses to maintain her anonymity for her own reasons, which I also greatly admire. She simply goes by the name Fanci Fiction and I think she’s brilliant, so am honored she invited me on for this.

Here is the link for that live broadcast which will be at 7pm EST tomorrow (Monday).

In the first comment below I’ll place a link for places you can catch the episode tonight at 9pm EST. Again it’s the show American Monster on the Investigation Discovery channel. Also on the Discovery Plus app.

I appreciate you tuning in for Cindy’s story. There will be video and audio and photos you’ve never seen before.

I appreciate all of you who still remember and care about our sister, who we will never, ever forget.

another intrusion

~ katiecoolady ~ 1 Comment

some flowers I saw at Pike Market yesterday as some brightness before what you’re about to read

I realized this week that I’ve been dealing with issues around Cindy’s murder for over half my life now. Not just the grieving process, but the constant intrusions by the men who killed her and those who champion them (most likely them to be honest).

This week was no exception.

Once I decided I was finished with my writing for this visit, and taking a little transition break for myself doing some fun things, DING DONG, not so fast.

I was contacted by my Victim’s Rights Attorney in Phoenix about yet a new wrinkle in this fully-wrinkled map that was created in 1988.

Some background.

When we went to trial in 1990, the AZ Victim’s Bill of Rights was pretty new and of the many protections, one was that representatives for the killers could not contact us, as victims, without going through a representative for us. Some of you may remember the woman the Federal Legal Defender’s office sent to my doorstep one cold mid-December day–the day I had hauled out my decorations for my house–and sat in my living room trying to get ME to help THEM get leniency for Cindy’s killers. I was so disoriented as to who she was, as I trusted the mandate that I could not be directly contacted. I thought she was someone for our side when I let her in from the cold. But no, when I confronted her on that, she had the loophole she slipped through on the tip of her tongue. I kicked her out of my house and she left me her card.

I contacted our prosecutor who put me with the AZ Crime Victims Legal Assistance Project, who represented me, then used that invasion as an example to close that loophole, which was successful. Keli Luther, may she rest in peace (gone too soon), was who championed that cause. There is a whole chapter in my book that details this story. Likely the most egregious event that happened to me after the murder–driven by those who champion the killers.

Well, guess what? That statute has been overturned. Apparently they argued that it doesn’t matter who contacts a victim–the prosecution or the defense. Or who ambushes them in their home, the trauma is the same,

Yeah, no.

So, I’m being asked to retell that story in order to help the AG’s office appeal this reversal, which I will do.

Once I think I can compartmentalize this stuff, there it is again, reminding me of its ever presence. For the first time in over thirty years, I found myself wishing Michael Apelt would be executed, die of natural causes in prison or otherwise just disappear. I’ve not for one moment been invested, but as his execution looms, so do these traumatic invasions. I’ve been pretty neutral and detached about his execution, but these folks fighting against it are making me a staunch desirer for this sentence to be completed as ordered. Guess that backfired, huh?

I’ll do my part. But living in a mine field requires a certain type of resilience and I’m just tired.

Anyway, that’s that.

I just found the listing for the show they are doing on Cindy:

AMERICAN MONSTER

New Episodes Premiere Sundays at 9/8c on ID and Available to Stream on discovery+

If you looked into the eyes of a killer, would you know? Yet, on any street, behind any smile, lurks an AMERICAN MONSTER. Never-before-seen-video footage looks straight into the eyes of a killer, hidden in plain sight. Mom next door; dad across the street; the kid who never broke the rules. Anyone can be a MONSTER.

· Brothers and Sisters Premieres Sunday, November 20 at 9/8c on ID

Cindy Monkman turns heads wherever she goes, but by age 30, she’s looking for something more serious. Michael Apelt, a handsome German businessman, seems to be the answer to her prayers… until their first Christmas together turns into a horror story.

It’s interesting they titled it Brothers and Sisters. That’s the first I’ve seen that.

I have a Youtube channel now that I’ve done nothing with, but I have a potential upcoming project that I will be using it for.

I may schedule a live chat to talk about this episode after it airs.

Let me know if that is something you might want to participate in. Like just a “filling in the blanks” or Q and A or simply gathering for support.

Love you all out there continuing to care and read.

Kathy

I went to Biscuit Bitch today in Seattle.

I really look forward to the day when I can just enjoy my life vs. enjoying it in spite of…..

updates

~ katiecoolady ~ 3 Comments

yesterday was my birthday, so I treated myself to a ride on the ferry to get a crepe across the way

Sharing a snippet today detailing a piece on one of dozens of cons the Apelt brothers pulled off while in the Phoenix area for that brief three months before killing Cindy. From telegrams announcing each others’ deaths to glean money, to stealing cash, to constant stories about their wealth and snafus getting it, they got thousands of dollars in a short time.

But before, that, in other news, another TV program is doing a show on Cindy. They approached me last Spring about it and explained it is a victim-centric show, diving in to who the victim was and detailing their life. Since that is also the theme of my book, it resonated with me, although I think this show has a pretty awful name: American Monster.

The show will air on the Investigation Discovery Network on Sunday Nov. 20, at 9pm EST. Most channel lineups have this channel. It will also be available on the Discovery Plus app. after that.

They interviewed me for about seven hours, asking detailed questions about our upbringing, Cindy’s life/education/jobs/relationships/travel on and on…

They also interviewed Cathy Hughes, our prosecutor and Ron Davis, one of the detectives. As well as some of Cindy’s friends.

Once again I went on an odyssey of discovery of videos and photos to use. In 1988 times were different without cell phones or even many home video cameras, so it is limited. So we will see what they piece together.

We can join together to discuss the next day if you want.

So that’s that.

Now here is my snippet for today:

During the few hours the brothers stayed at the Rubenstein home, they convinced Cher and her husband that they had been robbed of five thousand dollars from their hotel room the day before. Rudi was still maintaining they were in the wind surfing business and Michael claimed they worked for the MARS Corporation.  Cher testified that she believed they worked for the corporation that made the Mars candybar. She filed a report with the Mesa Police Department the following day to report the “robbery”, but they declined to pursue it.

“They said they were very rich,” she testified.

A few evenings later, Cher went to dinner with the brothers alone, where they convinced her that they were having trouble getting their Mercedes transferred over to the States from Germany. They were dining at Black Angus restaurant and Cher had four hundred dollars cash tucked in her wallet, ready to pay some bills with. During the course of that meal, Rudi successfully convinced her that their Mercedes was stuck in Customs and they needed money to get it out. Cher forked over all of the cash in her wallet in the parking lot after the meal. She described Michael as “quite elated” when he discovered they now had the cash to obtain their car.

“Thank you very much. Friends for life,” he said, pleased.

Today is my last day in the Studio before I move in to Seattle to await my husband (who is on a cross country train!) for a few days. So today is my last writing day for this time.

As always, thanks for being out there, reading and caring.

healing

~ katiecoolady ~ 1 Comment

I took this photo, unfiltered, this morning–wow what a view

This last year has been tough.

Dad died leaving a complicated estate for me to wade through and I’m still not done. My brother and I came way too close to losing access to our entire inheritance thanks to Marjorie–thankfully detected and corrected before Dad died. That was just the beginning of the gauntlet of complex banking and property/insurance/trust issues I’ve been working through for over a year now. I detailed that harrowing experience in the book so stay tuned for that story.

Plus my brother has been hospitalized twice, so managing him and taking care of our own lives with Lillian so she didn’t get lost in the shuffle; it’s just been a lot.

I told my husband this morning that I came on this trip as much to heal as complete the book. Don’t get me wrong, I’m writing, editing and re-organizing things for a few hours each day, but there is no urgency to finish things up as I’d planned. This is therapy for me, as is being here in Edmonds which is like a familiar safe cocoon. I love this little cozy studio and it has everything I need. I have my favorite haunts like restaurants, the Korean spa, the ferry and this view of course. It all nourishes me.

I think once Dad died, it really set me free to more deeply explore the abuse we experienced as kids and the impacts on each of us. It’s always been so much easier to focus on Marj, as we just didn’t love her, but the betrayal of our father, that’s the sting. With his being gone now, I no longer feel like I’m betraying him, by looking at how he betrayed us if that makes sense.

I keep finding myself winding back in to the chapters related to those traumas–adding, editing, honing in on what’s important and in what order to reveal it. It’s so important to me to at least look at our childhood trauma as a backdrop for the fatal choices Cindy made. It all fits together so clearly in my head and I hope I’m conveying it on the page.

Here is a snippet I’ve been working on this morning:

This juxtaposition of a life, led us to focus on the good times, while doing our best to deny and avoid the violence, desperately trying to cling to a vision of normalcy. At that age, the only thing you really want is to fit in and be normal. This very style of coping is evident in Cindy’s journal years later, when the stakes were far higher. Life and death, literally.

I’m in a whirlwind situation with so many confusing feelings. I need more than ever to give myself positive self-talk. I feel opposition in what I am doing and am not comfortable covering up the truth of what my new relationship with Michael is. It’s like I’m living two lives.

Cindy and I created our own little world, our own languages, our own forms of blocking ourselves off to Marj’s invasions, which angered her even more.  “No one can get close to you girls” she would say, blaming us for her emotional distance. 

Cindy warned me not to share too much with her, definitely not secrets.  “She will use it against you some day” she intuitively seemed to know as a tween.  Cindy was right, not that I always heeded her advice.  Marj, a social worker, did have a skill in extracting people’s most intimate stories.  She was easy to talk to. Yet in our case, she would stockpile the most vulnerable aspects of our inner suffering, then hurl them at us sometimes years later in the form of words like “well, as we all know, you’ve had problems with insecurity your entire life,” she’d say with a sympathetic looking nod. A passive-aggressive confusing message which made you think she was trying to help you, while feeling like shit at the same time. At one time or another, Marj heard from each of us the question “Why do you always need to see me in the most screwed up way possible?”. 

It was like our problems/insecurities/struggles gave this woman life.

I’ve been up writing for hours now, so time for a break. It’s a blustery day outside, so I’m enjoying staying in watching these amazing textured clouds float over the Puget Sound.

I was going to run some errands, like getting the tire light checked on my rental car, but I’m thinking I may just take a wander over to my friend DoorDash and be an inside girl all day today. It’s so nice to have no schedule and no plans.

It’s one of my favorite ways to live.

me. at the movies last night to see Tar with Cate Blanchett

snippet

~ katiecoolady ~ 2 Comments

snow on the mountains across the Sound

I finally got clear of my medical dramas for the most part (still coughing so staying sequestered for the most part–I hate being disruptive in places like restaurants or movie theatres with a cough).

I’ve been digging in to writing, ordering takeout and reading everything I’ve written thus far. I like it.

my favorite, shredded, writing sweater

I’ll share a snippet this morning that I’ve been editing about my police interview. I flew back from IL to AZ for one day–not even an overnight–to be interviewed before the brothers were arrested. I was too scared to stay even one night knowing they were out there on the loose.

Here is one snippet from that chapter:

I carried my purse and paper bag lunch up to the homicide department floor at the Mesa police station and Debbie met me there. She waited in the open waiting area as Davis escorted me to a small interview room. I ate my tasteless, crumbly sandwich in there alone, waiting a long time for the detectives to join me. I wondered why Debbie couldn’t just hang out with me while I ate and waited. The whole thing was oddly strained and awkward. Later, I wondered if they’d been viewing me through some kind of one-way mirror or hidden camera. I got about half-way through the disappointing sandwich, which was all I could stomach, then stuffed the remainder back in the white paper bag and waited.

Ron Davis finally returned with Homicide Detective George Felger who I met for the first time, although had spoken with numerous times on the phone in those five days. They sat at the bare table with me, turned on a small cassette tape recorder and started asking me questions. They started with the basics then the questioning directed fairly quickly toward Mark Maurer. I referred to the pages of notes I’d made on the plane.

KM: So back to the conversation with Mark, I, I just wrote down things that I, I put ‘em in quotes as they, as I remembered the conversation, that’s what I wrote down.

RD:  That’s fine. Go ahead.

KM: “I told him I was still married but that I still loved him” That was something that she told me several times in the conversation, that she felt good about that, like she was, because she was, it was like in a way that he was upset and she wanted to console him, so she told him, it’s not that I don’t love you anymore, but it’s that I’m married to somebody else and we can’t be together’. And that, she said, ‘I felt good about that because then he wasn’t so upset.’ You know, it was like comforting him was the way she was feeling really good about the fact that she said it, ‘well, at least I was honest and I admitted the truth that I still care for him and I’m, I still love him’.

I could not impress enough on these investigators that Cindy believed Rudi and Anke had been back in Germany for weeks, and the fact that they were in Mesa holed up in the Village Motel together the whole time, was the biggest clue that they were all involved in this.

**************

After spending a few hours with this this morning, I’m headed to this cool spot downtown Seattle for a fun break–a flower mask making class. I’ll post pics later of how mine turned out. I’m going to box it up and send it to Lillian as a surprise–it will keep as we are working with dried flowers.

As always, thanks for being out there and caring,

Kathy

back in Edmonds

~ katiecoolady ~ 5 Comments
took this the day after the smoke cleared–I couldn’t even see the Sound for two days prior

Hello!

I’ve returned to my happy place, Edmonds, WA to finally finish this book.

I had a bit of a rocky re-entry though. I was quite sick the week before leaving, got a positive Covid test, got better quickly and made the cut for traveling post-Covid symptoms, so I was able to travel on this long awaited and planned trip. Also, my brother went off his meds again, and was admitted to the hospital the week before I left, so I had a lot of involvement with that and setting up a likely discharge plan for while I’m gone. Never a dull moment.

I landed in Seattle during an air quality issue, rendering it “the worst air quality in the world” (!). This kicked up my lungs again, landing me in an Urgent Care center for more albuterol for my nebulizer my husband wisely forced encouraged me to pack.

I started to hunker down and start my reading/writing process, only to come down with my first, aggressive, full-body case of the hives three days after arriving. Concerned this might be a reaction to my three-times-a-day albuterol treatments, I landed back in the Urgent care who also couldn’t figure out this new twist. It was kind of scary honestly, as it came on quickly in the evening, and Dr. Google kept talking about anaphylaxis, which just the mere mention of it caused my throat to constrict (ugh–I’m so suggestible). After a dose of Benadryl, I succeeded in knocking it back and knocking myself out and having a day-long hangover the next day, rendering it impossible for me to think clearly, much less read or write.

So I caught up with my obsession curiosity with the NXIVM case, watching and rewatching some episodes about it. As coercive control is an element of my book, this kind of thing is something I study. It’s fascinating and terrifying to realize how vulnerable very smart people can be to this kind of manipulation. Just as Cindy was. It’s not about intellect, usually. It’s about vulnerability. It’s still mind boggling, to me, how long these strings of influence can have over a person, and how damaging they are.

It’s a beautiful cloudy and cool day here in Edmonds, and I have a dinner date tonight with my cousin, so I’m making good use of my brain and this time to read everything I’ve written so far on this book and taking notes.

During my first days, I read Ruth Markel’s true crime memoir about her son Dan’s murder which was very good/heartbreaking/sad/inspiring. It was a perfect way to set my trajectory to getting back in to my writing. I realized I was missing some tonal aspects, and frankly, was just good to feel the solidarity with someone who is ensconced in the same web of murder survivorship and the legal process. I’ve been following that case closely, watching the dominos fall toward justice.

I’ll likely start writing some more tomorrow and share some snippets.

Oh, also they are doing another show on Cindy’s case, which will be airing on Investigation Discovery sometime this Fall or early Winter. I’ve been very involved in that, being interviewed for it, providing lots of video and photos and other material, so that’s been a project. I’ll definitely post when I have more information about when it’s being aired.

Here is one photo I found that I shared with them–not sure it will make the cut for the show, but it was taken on our last family trip to Maine the year she was killed.

That’s it for now. Stay tuned. And, as always, thanks for being there all this time and caring.

I’m still here.

~ katiecoolady ~ 11 Comments

Just a quick update about the book. I have not abandoned it. Life just got very complicated with Covid, moving my father and brother to a retirement community near us in PA (which was not an easy task) and then our father shortly thereafter having a stroke and passing away on October 10, 2021.

In addition to assuming full caretaking of my brother, I’ve been consumed with a complicated estate settling and of course the grieving process of losing my father. While at the same time selling our family condo in Sedona, my Dad’s place in AZ, buying a large lake house in PA and moving all of that. As I said, it’s been a time. Good, hard, sad, glorious, all of the above.

Also, did I mention here that Rudi Apelt died in prison this Spring of natural causes? That has changed my life dramatically as I will never, ever have to attend a parole hearing again. Major. Thank God he’s dead.

But a couple of updates.

A production company out of the UK contacted me a few months back and they are doing an hour long TV show on Cindy’s case. I was interviewed for seven hours a few weeks ago, which was a bit of everything. Part of the reason I say yes to these projects, is I can’t tell you the healing that occurs for me because of participating in the process.

For this one, they needed as much video and audio footage that I have of her, so that pushed me to convert VHS and cassette tapes in to CD’s and a flash drive to preserve them. Also the hunting down of those things–plus photos–kind of forces me to open doors that are ultimately good for me to do. I think many survivors of homicide kind of box things away, and the grief gets lost in the violence. At least that’s happened for me.

This project appealed to me because there is a huge emphasis on telling Cindy’s story, which is really the point of the book as well. There is little focus on her killers and more on knowing and understanding her as a person. They asked me so many questions about our childhood/upbringing, how she was all throughout her life, our relationship, on and on.

In many ways, it’s been easier for me to focus on the crime, than on the loss. This pushed me to the latter and it was so good for me. Of course it’s not easy, lots of tears and pain comes to the surface, yet as I say, it’s better out than in. As any of you out there who relate, it’s always there. No closure ever comes. It’s just how much we are feeling it any given day.

So there’s that. I’ll know more soon about the air date but they said late Fall or early Winter.

Now to the book.

I’m headed back to Edmonds this Fall for three weeks to complete it, tweak some things and make a serious push for an agent/publisher. I’ve had a couple interested and frankly just blew it off as I just couldn’t put my energy there. So I’ve got a nice long expanse in my writing paradise to get this wrapped up.

I love my life in PA so much that it doesn’t make as much sense to leave it now, but Edmonds is where I’m doing this book and where I will finish it. Plus, it’s one of my major happy places on the planet and I can’t wait to get back in to that ferry riding, Puget sound, Pike Market, Olympus spa life and see my friend Pat again.

I hope you all are enjoying your summer. We are doing well. Well, I should say I’m crawling back out of exhaustion of the last couple of years. I actually cancelled all my summer travel and postponed my Dad’s rather large memorial service I was planning in Maine because I was just flattened. Rest has been my friend this summer (but still continual work settling my Dad’s affairs–sometimes it feels like it will never end).

My brother is doing especially well after a rough patch a few months ago. We got him some additional support and he’s living alone in the duplex we moved him and Dad in to with lots of activities and he’s really taken to it. He also comes up to the lake house with us and we will spend all our holidays as a family up here. It took some work and learning to get him to his highest functioning but I think we’ve landed there. He’s doing lots of cooking and baking from scratch lately–lasagna, blueberry buckle, strawberry pie. It’s great to see.

Of course, we all enjoy our family life with our darling ten year old Lillian who is just the sweetest kid and such a blessing in my life.

I’ve been gardening as usual–flowers and veggies–the tomatoes are coming in hot now. So I made and froze some homemade marinara sauce and told my brother it’s for him to make us a lasagna for Christmas Eve.

I’ll keep you posted on that show–and expect updates in October as I dive back in to the book.

It’s time.

Cheers–and thanks for continuing to care,

Kathy

4am Oscar Sunday

~ katiecoolady ~ 1 Comment

image

I keep waking up at 4am. This morning, instead of trying to get back to sleep, I grabbed my laptop and brought it in bed with me and started putting some of my thoughts to paper.

As you can imagine, with this kind of immersion, my brain is constantly spinning words words words about this book.

image

I decided to start laying out my 40 plus chapter is some lineup and tweaking some things.

Here is a snippet of what I added this morning to one of my pivotal chapters:

I’d left her a note on my counter with her ticket thinking she had a key to my house and might end up there as some kind of safe harbor.

Why did you leave that note? What did you mean by that? the Detective asked. I had given Debbie permission to let the police in to my home in case they needed to access it for any reason and they had already in their search for Cindy.

Just what I said. That if she’s in trouble, I’ll be there to support her no matter what I replied to his radio silence.

Little did I know, suspicion had already been cast in my direction by Michael Apelt. The cops were more interested in me and where I was going and why at that moment. That’s why they were calling. I thought it was all about trying to find Cindy.

Zombie-like I walked back on to my connecting flight, made it to Chicago where my Dad was waiting for me. We hugged, cried and crawled in to the cold car making our way down the I-57 toward Champaign. The stunned silence during that two hour drive was occasionally punctuated with me trying to convince both of us she had just run off with Mark, was holed up in a motel, had been drinking, was embarrassed; the mantra I’d been working off for the last 12 hours.

Meanwhile, the people of Phoenix were waking up on Christmas Eve day to my sister’s face all over the morning news.

Yesterday I had another two hour working session with my coach/editor. I finally landed on my new working title (not ready to share it yet) and my query letter to sent to agents. That’s my next step and one of my big goals for this month–to get that ball rolling.

I probably have about 10 more chapters to write and do believe I can complete that in the time I have left. I’m kind of editing as I go along too. It’s really coming together.

image

Yesterday, I watched the final two episodes of Downton Abbey–what a show! I’d purchased the DVD set for the final season before I left and brought it with me so took a break and watched yesterday. I won’t give any spoilers but man, those last two episodes..they knocked it outta the park!

imagemy version of afternoon tea

I was thinking of going to this Oscar Gala tonight at the historic Cinerama theatre in Seattle and am now deciding against it for a variety of reasons. I think staying here and watching from my cozy studio in the front of the fire is best.

I woke up inspired today so will make today a serious writing day. That’s what I’m here for!

Hope you all have a great Sunday and here’s hoping Leo DiCaprio wins tonight for The Revenant. He deserves it!!

 

diving in

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image

Happy Saturday Morning from the gorgeous Northwest! A beautiful sunny day here to wake up to after an interrupted night of sleeping. I crashed at around 11:30 reading Juan Martinez’ book in bed and I guess it was haunting me as I woke up again at around 3:30 and read more for another couple of hours then crashed again until 9.  That’s the beauty of being on no one’s time but your own, you can do these kinds of things and not bat an eye. I kind of like being up in the middle of the night when the world is dark and silent anyway, speaking of bats. 😉

A passage in Juan’s book really struck me so I dog-eared it to share here:

“The highlight of the 48 Hours interview was the assertion that she intended to take the witness stand and testify at trial. That told me that she was confident in her public speaking abilities and that she believed she was persuasive enough to make the charges go away just by telling her story. She was masterful in front of the camera, playing the part of someone who couldn’t have committed this murder. The way she could look straight at the camera lens and answer the interviewer’s questions with apparent sincerity was impressive. She clearly wasn’t going to be intimidated.

“I don’t believe that I am going to be convicted, she confidently told 48 Hours Maureen Maher, just as she had advised the interviewer from Inside Edition. “I don’t think that I’m going to spend one day in prison.”

I guess this stuck out to me so distinctly because of what I’m reading on our own trials. I spent much of yesterday combing through the extra materials I’d picked up at Cathy Hughes’ before driving up here. I had two full boxes from last year but thought I’d just take a look. She was kind to remove any terrible photographs that I might inadvertently run in to.

image

I was shocked to see how lucky I was in what I grabbed because I opened one file that contained two kind of brief packets of interviews (I have thousands of pages of interviews). In that folder I found something I’d really wanted to lay my eyes on: the actual interviews at the time when both the men were arrested. I jumped to the end to see what this was because frankly I don’t have the time or interest in reading more of their made up bullshit that is in every interview for the two weeks prior to their arrest. The one that really steamed me was the German speaking burglary detective brought in for translation who clearly had sympathy for them and even put in his own personal observation that all three of the killing trio were telling the truth (he had to eat those words pretty quickly, but still).

It was fascinating to read the trap that was set for each of the brothers as the detective make a sharp about face in the curiosity portion of the questioning to the accusing portion.

Like Arias though, especially with Michael who I believe was always the mastermind and true malignant sociopath, they both didn’t flinch. Michael was cocky,demanding to be arrested so he could speak with a Judge who would most certainly agree and set him free. The arrogance oozes off the page as their violence is shoved in their faces and never ceases even when they are handcuffed. Since that day 1/6/1989, neither has seen the light of day outside incarceration. Good. That is satisfying also to reflect on.

I’ve said this before and will again: SOCIOPATHS ARE NOT EASY TO PROSECUTE. Even seasoned prosecutors like Martinez and Cathy Hughes say that and they aren’t kidding or exaggerating!

They almost and do get away with murder! Murder convictions are hard fought and that is all over Martinez’ book as he prepared for this trial. So when people talk about how the “government” has all the cards and blah blah blah it slays me. Death penalty cases are the hardest–high profile the most arduous ! It is NOT easy to get a sophisticated killer their just sentence for many reasons not the least of which, their lack of conscience and really emotion or fear at all, makes them very formidable all the way up to the handcuffs (and beyond which you will read in my book).

cindytravis

It’s so fascinating to be reading Martinez’ book along side these twenty five plus year old documents though. So much is written about diagnosing personality disorders and when you start to compare them to each other it’s like they were molded from the same cookie cutter–their methods and robotic ways of being coupled with high degrees of intelligence and sophistication. Yet 18 years post conviction, we taxpayers spent over 10 million dollars for their supporters to attempt to prove Cindy’s killers are mentally retarded. Mark my words, had Jodi Arias received the death penalty, we’d be paying for that argument for her too somewhere down the line. But I digress…more on that topic to come.

 

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I’m finally kicking in to productivity-have an appointment with my writing coach and editor next week up by the Canada border so I’ll get to take a little road trip, moved my desk space around and created a new more ergonomic setup which I love, copied some pictures of Cindy from my printer to have around me (can’t believe I forgot those unless they are in one of my boxes I’ve not dug through yet), listened to some Juan Martinez interviews online (Vinnie Politan’s is the best),  read and reworked several of my chapters to send to the editor, read several hundred pages of documents and managed to make myself a delicious dinner in my kitchenette. Oh and I also changed the font on this blog as people were having a hard time reading it–is this better? I have a huge screen so kind of hard for me to tell. Please let me know if I need to tweak it again as that’s so frustrating!

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It’s Saturday and gorgeous outside so I’m guessing most of this area is just that–outside. Which makes me think other than taking a little walk later, I’ll stay in and on my groove today. I have everything I need and mostly this view.

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Yes I’m reading Juan’s book kind of slowly on purpose. It’s become a security blanket for me in an odd way. I’m feeling a camaraderie with Juan while reading it as I dive in the same darkness and remotely, he’s supporting me through his book. Most of you know I’ve met Juan Martinez many times and he’s been nothing but kind and warm to me as well as genuinely interested in me and our case. I have a special place in my heart for him. He’s one of the good guys.

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beginning again

~ katiecoolady ~ 12 Comments

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Today is my first day since arriving in Edmonds of really beginning this book project. My husband graciously drove me here from Arizona (yes he did 100% of the driving as I relaxed co-piloted) and with one fun overnight in Portland for a Portlandia style Valentine’s Day, we basically high-tailed it up here. Gorgeous scenery by the way through Utah and Idaho–States I’d not visited before except SLC briefly as a child. My thoughtful husband even had roses delivered to our table at the restaurant unbeknownst to me–actually I didn’t even realize he knew the name of the restaurant as I’d made the reservations. A fun tapas place showcased on the crazy show Portlandia.

We rested a day and a half here in Edmonds going to see The Revenant (!!!) and eating Oprah’s favorite fried chicken, then John left yesterday to fly back to PA and for me to begin this writing journey again.

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I’m here for 4 solid weeks this time so can work at a more organized and leisurely pace as I truly feel confident I can complete the major parts of writing this book now. Editing will come later but the vast materials I am sifting through and the organizing/writing part will be doable. I’m also working with a writing coach/editor this time and will be sending out some proposals. Wish me luck.

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With the luxury of more time, I decided to start with reading Juan Martinez’ book about convicting Jodi Arias. As I sat in that courtroom nearly every day with the family, this case is near and dear to my heart. I’ll ease in to the horror of our own case through his story telling of that one. Ironically his book was released the day I arrived here so I had it sent to me in WA. Per my plan I woke up before the crack of dawn this morning and began reading by the dim light of my cozy studio.

The sociopathy of Jodi Arias is so astounding and mind boggling as I read it described again through Martinez’ words. Her initial interview, which I’d watched on video many times, still blows me away. “Seamless” is such a perfect word he chooses to describe her velvety style of moving from story to story manipulated to defend herself while showing absolutely zero sign of anxiety. THAT my friends is a hallmark of sociopathy. And, I believe, evil manifested in this world. No shame, no remorse, no guilt, no fear.

I was also struck by the things Arias was interested in during the initial interviews. She desperately wanted to see crime scene photos and to know how Travis’ family was doing.

I believe Arias is far more dangerous than most killers including the Apelts for one reason: she took pleasure in the killing of Travis and by proxy the pain she inflicted on his family. She was demonstrating that from day one. I think she got a taste for that power and pleasure in killing and was setting off at her arrest toward her next victim with her newly purchased gun and two knives. I believe she was a budding serial killer aborted by her arrest. I just wonder who she was headed for next and also wonder if Martinez has speculated on that. Who do you think she was headed for with her concealed weapons when she was arrested?

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yes those are the roses my husband had sent to our table

I’m about a third of the way through the book and may make more notes as I go along. The sun came up and I needed a break. It’s very heavy material. I’ll continue to make notes here on it as I go along.

In addition to Martinez’ book, I had some other documents delivered to me here. One key piece of documentation was missing from all the case files I brought with me last time which was Michael Apelt’s testimony. Like Arias, it’s stunning in its display of sociopathy so for the book I have to get the exact quotes. It will leave your jaw dropping as it did all of us in the courtroom that day. Sociopaths think they can convince people by making up reality moment by moment as they go along. The sad thing is this does work for them much of the time. They will use terms like “you heard me wrong” or “you are making that up” or “that’s not what I said”  when confronted on their indiscrepancies and move, seamlessly as Martinez notes, to their next oleaginous fabricated stories. This process is confusing to most people but not to seasoned prosecutors like Martinez and our Cathy Hughes. They are expecting and waiting for it. Martinez was doing this research on her from Day One which is what is required. Sociopaths are generally the best at this game in town so it’s challenging to keep up with their slippery maneuvers.

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I’ll get to this file likely tomorrow. I have to be ready to open it all up again but will likely start there, the newest material I have. Plus I have to pick up some more highlighter pens today as I forgot mine ;).

The weather here is partly cloudy and gorgeous. I love it. I feel so peaceful here as I gaze out at the Puget Sound and breathe this lovely humid air.

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I’m for the most part alone here, as planned, so it helps to know you are all out there reading as I go along. For some reason, this is hurting my heart more to go in to this time than it did last time. Maybe it’s because I know what’s in there. Maybe because I’m thinking of Travis and his family. Maybe because this is just all part of the healing through writing for me.

Thanks for being there. ❤