monster

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I spent a good six straight hours today, sitting propped up at the laptop, either editing or writing or researching agents or reviewing information for the book. My derriere is killing me! In one of my searches, I ran across this video of the current Assistant Attorney General arguing an appeal for reconsideration by the 9th Circuit of Michael Apelt’s successful grant of a new trial last year. It is stomach turning to listen to the sympathy argued by the other side, now, nearly thirty years later, escalated to claims of his father being a Nazi rapist, Michael being product of a rape, his being tied up and locked in the basement, blah blah blah. I have no doubt that most, if not all, of these “facts” as she states them, came from the murderer himself.

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I’m reminded of Jodi Arias–her claims of her victim escalating further and further from anal rape to pedophilia, which all were argued and allowed in court with a straight face. And yet people think these murderers don’t get “fairly treated”. Please.

Pardon the interruption there, I had to go excuse myself to pour a big fat glass of wine to deal with the crap I’ve waded through today. I do like the way the Judges handled the arguments though, for the most part. It was easier watching this, knowing the outcome (appeal overturned). I mean, I could be sitting here right now, knowing that monster was prepping for a new trial, which I would have to sit through and testify at AGAIN. And yes, I did appreciate it greatly when the Judge on the left referred to Michael Apelt as just that:  a monster.

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I found it interesting that the female Judge (and the one on the left), both indicated that all of these “poor little abused boy” (yes I can say that in quotes because I don’t believe it at all–poverty yes, abuse, no. I mean no one knows what makes a sociopath but I do know plenty of people who grew up with abuse and abject poverty who did not end up plotting to kill people and killing them–my husband for one!–sorry for the long parenthetical comment) arguments can split both ways. Meaning a jury or Judge could see that as evidence of “what created the monster” as that Judge said OR evidence to be more lenient. Nevertheless, the facts remain–the plotting, the execution, the cover up, the brutality. Hard to mitigate, but they sure are trying. What’s next? His Dad killed Jesus?

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poor little abused monster

So, IF you are so inclined and I know many of you are in terms of viewing legal dynamics, it’s kind of an interesting hour to watch. Here’s the video, direct from Pasadena:

 

It’s been a super productive day. I’ve not even showered. I woke up thinking it was Saturday and glad I had gathered groceries, as I like staying in here over the weekends when everyone else is out and about. I did my outing last evening, when I went to a new Korean spa and had this oldish Korean woman take out all of her frustrations on my skin during a scrub. Let’s just say, it wasn’t the most pleasant experience I’ve had. I cheated on my regular spa, Olympus, to check out a different one and I regretted it almost immediately. But my skin is super soft nonetheless and it was good to get out, even if it was raining. I picked up some things at an Asian grocery store and made myself a damn good poached cod dinner. Then I slept like a baby. I was so glad to wake up and realize I have one more full day! I’m in Heaven here, literally Heaven.

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I poached the beans and oyster mushrooms first in spiced milk, then poached the cod in the same and made a little lemon butter shallot sauce for on top. Yum-it was as good as a restaurant if I do say so myself-and basically a one pot meal! Ok, two.

Ok I’ll leave you with a snippet of some writing I worked on today. I hope it’s not a repeat as I’m doing a ton of editing right now. But anyway, here it is…some hard walks down memory lane. Again, the wine. With dedication to the friend in Santa Barbara who I mention here, who serendipitously called me today wanting to connect.

Cheers.

This was terrifying to me. Cindy was always my rock. I had never seen her like this before for so long. She seemed to be getting worse, instead of better. I’d experienced those feelings myself though, so I knew exactly what she was describing. My own breakdown had snapped me in half three years earlier, and I was only just stabilizing. I’d had a severe panic attack on an airplane headed to visit a friend in Santa Barbara, hoping the trip would cheer me up from a recent hard breakup. Consumed with claustrophobia, I’d demanded to be let off the plane, as it was taxiing toward the runway. In this day and age, I’d be arrested for my behavior, which was completely out of control even to me. I was a psychiatric nurse at the time and had no idea what was happening.

I made it to Santa Barbara but still wasn’t myself. I was also pretending. I found myself walking along the beach with my friend feeling trapped and claustrophobic because there were a few clouds in the sky. It was a terrifying time, which climaxed with the psych nurse being hospitalized in a psych hospital briefly a few months later. It took me several years of all kinds of therapies to work myself out of that nightmare. I knew first hand how these things take time to build, then more time to recover from, but I was still terrified seeing it mirrored in my big sister. I was desperately afraid of losing her, losing her strength. She was my everything.

I had found my footing for the most part by the time Cindy started to tumble, but it was incredibly distressing nonetheless.  I had developed some skills by then to help navigate her, and for the first time in our lives, I moved into Big Sister mode.

 

I’m back!

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Good Lord! It’s been over a year since I’ve posted here. <<spanking myself>>

I have posted a bit over on the other blog Two Innocents.

In case you missed it, Cindy’s case was featured on Investigation Discovery’s new show True Conviction. John and I were flown back to AZ (from PA where I mostly live now, or at least trying to) for the taping. It was quite an experience — not only the being picked up by a fancy car service, etc. part– but mostly it was the unexpected healing that came with it. I was so glad they allowed John to come with me, as I really needed him on so many levels. We hit the ground running, and rushed up to Sedona to retrieve photos and documents for them, before being interviewed the next day.

If you have a provider that has ID, you can watch the show via this link.

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There were also some videos of it available online, if you want to search “True Conviction Deception in the Desert”, you might find one.

The producers wanted all kinds of photos and documents and anything else that I had, which required me to dig through all of that stuff, when all I’ve been looking at for the last 3 years, have been police reports and trial records. Believe it or not, those things were emotionally easier for me to view than the photos, letters and a cassette tape I uncovered that Cindy and I passed between us, before the days of cell phones and internet, when she lived in Minnesota. Sigh…

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I had that tape copied to CD, so I can listen more easily. Chitchat between us, talking about boys we were dating, how much we missed each other, etc. Just hearing her voice again…well, you can imagine. All of the feelings.

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The act of being sort of forced to excavate those things, also forced me past some of my blocks in remembering good times with Cindy. That’s always been the hardest part. I know that sounds macabre in a way, but the deepest pain, for me, has always been remembering the great memories. It just led me down a dark rabbit hole to remember what I’ve lost–never to be again. It has been very, very hard for me and kind of a secret I’ve held. When people say things like “at least you have so many fond memories”, it’s like a dagger in my solar plexus.

Confronting that, through participating in that show, helped clear some of those brick walls of resistance out for me and connected me back to Cindy in a positive way. Yes, it has taken nearly three decades. Grieving has no timeline.

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It was also really wonderful to reconnect with our amazing prosecutor Cathy Hughes and some of the detectives involved, who never knew what became of me. It was so great to see them from a place of happiness in my life. There were so many tears and hugs all around. The producers and host Anna Sigga Niccolazzi treated us all (including Cindy) with such tenderness and respect. It was overall a very positive experience and I’m glad her story got to be told in this way.

I had some revelations, that perhaps I will write about later once I’ve let them gel inside me a little more. They will certainly land in the book somehow.

 

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Speaking of the book, once I was contacted out of the clear blue about this show, I realized it was a sign that I needed to finish the book. There is attention now around Cindy’s case and I need to finish telling it.

Also, around the same time, my dear friends in Edmonds asked if I would house-sit again for them. What an opportunity! You may (or may not) recall, that I have taken two fairly lengthy sabbaticals and have done about 99% of my writing there. I’ve rented their wonderful studio, overlooking the Puget Sound and read, literally, every document I have related to the case–from police interviews to testimony from both trials–and written about 2/3 of the book. I’m at the “Book Proposal” stage now, and over half way through crafting that lengthy document.

 

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So, in about two weeks, John and I will be flying to Seattle together, where he will stay with me in their gorgeous three story house (I call it a mansion because it is to me). He will leave after 5 days, then I will hunker down and finish the proposal, send it out (I have two agents interested in me, maybe more now because of the show) and see what happens. It’s time.

 

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I can’t wait to get to my creative haven again. I’m also glad to have that opportunity, because I also realized that it’s not easy to think about bringing the book in to my peaceful, spa-like home here in Pennsylvania. Did I mention we recently got a hot tub? Heaven soaking out in the snow-filled cold air. I’m really loving this life that I never expected to fall in to in mid-life. It is really, really wonderful and I am so grateful.

 

 

Well, these are my updates for now. Stay tuned. Very shortly I’ll be posting more snippets and book stuff. I’d really like to get this thing completed this year.

Thank you, as always, for coming along for the ride!

 

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4am Oscar Sunday

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I keep waking up at 4am. This morning, instead of trying to get back to sleep, I grabbed my laptop and brought it in bed with me and started putting some of my thoughts to paper.

As you can imagine, with this kind of immersion, my brain is constantly spinning words words words about this book.

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I decided to start laying out my 40 plus chapter is some lineup and tweaking some things.

Here is a snippet of what I added this morning to one of my pivotal chapters:

I’d left her a note on my counter with her ticket thinking she had a key to my house and might end up there as some kind of safe harbor.

Why did you leave that note? What did you mean by that? the Detective asked. I had given Debbie permission to let the police in to my home in case they needed to access it for any reason and they had already in their search for Cindy.

Just what I said. That if she’s in trouble, I’ll be there to support her no matter what I replied to his radio silence.

Little did I know, suspicion had already been cast in my direction by Michael Apelt. The cops were more interested in me and where I was going and why at that moment. That’s why they were calling. I thought it was all about trying to find Cindy.

Zombie-like I walked back on to my connecting flight, made it to Chicago where my Dad was waiting for me. We hugged, cried and crawled in to the cold car making our way down the I-57 toward Champaign. The stunned silence during that two hour drive was occasionally punctuated with me trying to convince both of us she had just run off with Mark, was holed up in a motel, had been drinking, was embarrassed; the mantra I’d been working off for the last 12 hours.

Meanwhile, the people of Phoenix were waking up on Christmas Eve day to my sister’s face all over the morning news.

Yesterday I had another two hour working session with my coach/editor. I finally landed on my new working title (not ready to share it yet) and my query letter to sent to agents. That’s my next step and one of my big goals for this month–to get that ball rolling.

I probably have about 10 more chapters to write and do believe I can complete that in the time I have left. I’m kind of editing as I go along too. It’s really coming together.

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Yesterday, I watched the final two episodes of Downton Abbey–what a show! I’d purchased the DVD set for the final season before I left and brought it with me so took a break and watched yesterday. I won’t give any spoilers but man, those last two episodes..they knocked it outta the park!

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I was thinking of going to this Oscar Gala tonight at the historic Cinerama theatre in Seattle and am now deciding against it for a variety of reasons. I think staying here and watching from my cozy studio in the front of the fire is best.

I woke up inspired today so will make today a serious writing day. That’s what I’m here for!

Hope you all have a great Sunday and here’s hoping Leo DiCaprio wins tonight for The Revenant. He deserves it!!

 

feedback, please

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Good morning from Paradise!

I’m a busy little beaver over here tapping away.

I’ve written two more chapters since yesterday and I want to ask some feedback if you’re so inclined. Also feel free to write me off the blog if you’d like (contact tab) on this issue.

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I’m reading Juan Martinez book and there are obvious similarities writing about a murder trial. I’m piecing mine together a little differently just on personal preference. He weaves the trial and testimony in to his narrative. I’m delineating mine out with the layout of the exact transcript. I guess for me being kind of a trial nerd, I like reading exact wording of things–testimony, police interviews, that kind of thing. So I’m laying it out like that vs. weaving it in to the story like Martinez does (which also works). It’s just a style thing.

I’ll give an example from my writing this morning:

Cathy Hughes addressed the life insurance in her examination of me. 

CH:  During the period of time that we’re talking about, from November to December 1988, did Cindy ever talk to you about life insurance?

KM:  Yes.

CH:  And can you remember on how many occasions she talked to you about life insurance?

KM:  I would estimate four or five times.

CH:  Did she ever tell you how much life insurance they had applied for?

KM:  No.

CH:  Did she ever talk to you about why she was getting life insurance?

KM:  Yes.

CH:  And what did she tell you?

Mr. Villarreal: Objection to hearsay, your Honor.

CH: It’s for the state of mind of the victim, your Honor.

The Court:  Overruled.

KM:  How it came up a lot in conversations was that she had to meet repeatedly with this insurance agent when we had plans. And then I asked “Well, what is this all about, you know, this insurance deal?”.

(I marvel at how naïve I was then, how we all were. Not anymore)

And that’s when she said that Michael was arranging for policies for them, a life insurance policy, and that it was for the purpose of investments, investing money, that he had a lot of money and was looking for ways to invest his money, and in Germany that was the customary thing to do when you marry someone, was to take out a life insurance policy as an investment program or something. And was how it was explained to me.

CH:  And did she mention that every time that you talked about the subject?

KM:  When we talked about it, that was consistent, yes.

 I intend to tell the true crime piece of the braid this way–through exact transcripts laid out like this.

Does this work for you, style wise? I’ll talk to my editor at our meeting tomorrow about this but kind of wanted to get a read from you guys as well.

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By the way, on a completely different topic, I found my way to a natural Artesian well yesterday where you can obtain drinking water for free and oh man was it worth it! I couldn’t wait to get up and make my coffee with it this morning and I’ve never tasted coffee this smooth. I see this outing as a several times a week venture for me while I’m here. Wow, never water could taste so good!

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Cheers!

 

 

 

 

diving in

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Happy Saturday Morning from the gorgeous Northwest! A beautiful sunny day here to wake up to after an interrupted night of sleeping. I crashed at around 11:30 reading Juan Martinez’ book in bed and I guess it was haunting me as I woke up again at around 3:30 and read more for another couple of hours then crashed again until 9.  That’s the beauty of being on no one’s time but your own, you can do these kinds of things and not bat an eye. I kind of like being up in the middle of the night when the world is dark and silent anyway, speaking of bats. 😉

A passage in Juan’s book really struck me so I dog-eared it to share here:

“The highlight of the 48 Hours interview was the assertion that she intended to take the witness stand and testify at trial. That told me that she was confident in her public speaking abilities and that she believed she was persuasive enough to make the charges go away just by telling her story. She was masterful in front of the camera, playing the part of someone who couldn’t have committed this murder. The way she could look straight at the camera lens and answer the interviewer’s questions with apparent sincerity was impressive. She clearly wasn’t going to be intimidated.

“I don’t believe that I am going to be convicted, she confidently told 48 Hours Maureen Maher, just as she had advised the interviewer from Inside Edition. “I don’t think that I’m going to spend one day in prison.”

I guess this stuck out to me so distinctly because of what I’m reading on our own trials. I spent much of yesterday combing through the extra materials I’d picked up at Cathy Hughes’ before driving up here. I had two full boxes from last year but thought I’d just take a look. She was kind to remove any terrible photographs that I might inadvertently run in to.

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I was shocked to see how lucky I was in what I grabbed because I opened one file that contained two kind of brief packets of interviews (I have thousands of pages of interviews). In that folder I found something I’d really wanted to lay my eyes on: the actual interviews at the time when both the men were arrested. I jumped to the end to see what this was because frankly I don’t have the time or interest in reading more of their made up bullshit that is in every interview for the two weeks prior to their arrest. The one that really steamed me was the German speaking burglary detective brought in for translation who clearly had sympathy for them and even put in his own personal observation that all three of the killing trio were telling the truth (he had to eat those words pretty quickly, but still).

It was fascinating to read the trap that was set for each of the brothers as the detective make a sharp about face in the curiosity portion of the questioning to the accusing portion.

Like Arias though, especially with Michael who I believe was always the mastermind and true malignant sociopath, they both didn’t flinch. Michael was cocky,demanding to be arrested so he could speak with a Judge who would most certainly agree and set him free. The arrogance oozes off the page as their violence is shoved in their faces and never ceases even when they are handcuffed. Since that day 1/6/1989, neither has seen the light of day outside incarceration. Good. That is satisfying also to reflect on.

I’ve said this before and will again: SOCIOPATHS ARE NOT EASY TO PROSECUTE. Even seasoned prosecutors like Martinez and Cathy Hughes say that and they aren’t kidding or exaggerating!

They almost and do get away with murder! Murder convictions are hard fought and that is all over Martinez’ book as he prepared for this trial. So when people talk about how the “government” has all the cards and blah blah blah it slays me. Death penalty cases are the hardest–high profile the most arduous ! It is NOT easy to get a sophisticated killer their just sentence for many reasons not the least of which, their lack of conscience and really emotion or fear at all, makes them very formidable all the way up to the handcuffs (and beyond which you will read in my book).

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It’s so fascinating to be reading Martinez’ book along side these twenty five plus year old documents though. So much is written about diagnosing personality disorders and when you start to compare them to each other it’s like they were molded from the same cookie cutter–their methods and robotic ways of being coupled with high degrees of intelligence and sophistication. Yet 18 years post conviction, we taxpayers spent over 10 million dollars for their supporters to attempt to prove Cindy’s killers are mentally retarded. Mark my words, had Jodi Arias received the death penalty, we’d be paying for that argument for her too somewhere down the line. But I digress…more on that topic to come.

 

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I’m finally kicking in to productivity-have an appointment with my writing coach and editor next week up by the Canada border so I’ll get to take a little road trip, moved my desk space around and created a new more ergonomic setup which I love, copied some pictures of Cindy from my printer to have around me (can’t believe I forgot those unless they are in one of my boxes I’ve not dug through yet), listened to some Juan Martinez interviews online (Vinnie Politan’s is the best),  read and reworked several of my chapters to send to the editor, read several hundred pages of documents and managed to make myself a delicious dinner in my kitchenette. Oh and I also changed the font on this blog as people were having a hard time reading it–is this better? I have a huge screen so kind of hard for me to tell. Please let me know if I need to tweak it again as that’s so frustrating!

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It’s Saturday and gorgeous outside so I’m guessing most of this area is just that–outside. Which makes me think other than taking a little walk later, I’ll stay in and on my groove today. I have everything I need and mostly this view.

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Yes I’m reading Juan’s book kind of slowly on purpose. It’s become a security blanket for me in an odd way. I’m feeling a camaraderie with Juan while reading it as I dive in the same darkness and remotely, he’s supporting me through his book. Most of you know I’ve met Juan Martinez many times and he’s been nothing but kind and warm to me as well as genuinely interested in me and our case. I have a special place in my heart for him. He’s one of the good guys.

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sociopathic cross

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Good morning from Edmonds. It’s a beautiful drizzly day here today. Most people don’t understand why anyone would love a rainy day, people from the Northwest anyway. In Arizona we have sunshine most days of the year. We crave clouds and precipitation. I’d be ok with it if it rained here most days this month. It also keeps me cozy inside and helps motivate me to work.

I hit the ground running last year but this time it’s different. I’m a little resistant and sluggish. So I decided to work at my pace and by that I mean get something accomplished each day but it doesn’t always have to be writing. I’ve got lots of reading and researching yet to do.

Yesterday afternoon, I made it through the entire cross examination of Michael Apelt by the brilliant Cathy Hughes. I wish I could put the entire 128 pages in my book, it’s that stunning to read in terms of her skill as a cross examiner. I recently had lunch with Cathy and she said that was really what she felt was her greatest skill as an attorney. I’d agree.

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It’s hard to pin down a sociopath. They will be slipperier than you could ever imagine or foresee. You kind of catch them more in hindsight and distance with some reflection. That was certainly clear with Cindy. He had her in his sights from Day One (as well as numerous other women) so he started the gaming then. She was questioning things but privately in her diary. With him, she was like a little wooden marionette and he was pulling the strings. I remember feeling scared and annoyed at the time when I saw her act like that. I had absolutely no idea what she, or we, were dealing with. Now when I see that kind of glazed over behavior with someone who is in a new relationship–not the in love glaze–the sort of masked affect and tension beneath the surface trying not to be seen kind of glaze, I feel very triggered. I want to yank them as far away from that person as possible.

The truth is though, there are all kinds of personality disordered people out there–from Narcissists to full blow Sociopaths–and the vast majority are not plotting to kill anyone. Many are just playing in the power fields and enjoying the games of manipulation. When something this drastic has happened in your life, one of many legacies left is a state of over reaction to this kind of behavior. Try dating in that kind of swamp. It was pure Hell.

Ok, back to the cross examination. I wore out a highlighter yesterday marking lines. I will share now one of many many exchanges between Cathy Hughes and Michael Apelt that are just mind blowing. It reminds me so much of Jodi Arias on the stand squirming and wiggling under the direct laser of Juan Martinez. Now Cathy’s style is much softer and less aggressive. Imagine as you read this, a very feminine woman with a pleasant face and smile, wearing my sister’s earrings, gradually gaining speed in her cadence but not raising her voice much as she nails this killer to his own cross.

This particular passage has to do with the alibi he’d established at a restaurant/bar (the one where he met Cindy)–going there for Happy Hour and tipping $7 on a $3 beer to be remembered, slipping out to kill Cindy, then returning and “waiting for her” to show up then finally enjoying a post kill celebratory dinner with his killing companions using her credit card.This is about the various stories he told about what he did during the time he thought she was “missing” (7ish to 10pm) and how his behavior didn’t quite line up along with stories he told from jail to another woman he was still manipulating. Sociopaths never get normal human behavior quite right so there is often a lot of cleanup and explanation making on the other end. We saw this for 18 days with Jodi Arias on the stand, this exact cut-from-the-same-sociopathic-cloth style of excuse making.

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Q:  For three Hours you were in there, in Bobby McGees?

A:  I don’t know about the time. All I know is that I called at 10:00 because I didn’t know what was going on. Cindy hadn’t come.

Q: And you left a message on the machine?

A:  No. I hate messages on the answering machine.

Q:  You have had several conversations with Kea Amara since you have been in the jail isn’t that true Mr. Apelt?

A: That is true.

Q:  And you told her on more than one occasion that you left a message on the machine, isn’t that true?

A:  Sometimes I don’t understand Kea on the telephone and sometimes I may give wrong answers when I talk to her.

Q:  Didn’t you tell her that you left a message and you said, “Wife, wife are you there? Pick up, pick up.”?

A:  Sometimes when I talk to her it was people who are so loud in the background that sometimes I gave her wrong answers when I talked to her.

Q: Did you say that or not Mr. Apelt?

A:  I cannot remember.

Q:  You know that the conversations are tape recorded don’t you Mr. Apelt?

A: That is true. I had learned that later.

Q: And you have copies of those tapes, don’t you?

A: That is true.

Q:  And you have read them,have you not?

A:  Yes.

Q: And isn’t it on the transcript that that is what you told her?

A: That is true, but as I already said, there were several conversations where I didn’t understand because on the telephone it’s very difficult for me to maintain and English conversation.

Q: But you did tell her that, didn’t you Mr. Apelt?

A: Yes, I agree.

He used this “I don’t understand English well” excuse over and over, both in his manipulations of Cindy and during the investigation/trial. Yet in another cross examination, using a German interpreter, (which he requested) he answers quickly and accurately in English admitting he has a hard time responding in German now as it’s become his second language. Just after claiming he doesn’t understand English very well. It’s mind numbing the loopdeloo’s they take people on. If it’s not recorded in real time you can see how one would question if they just didn’t hear what they said correctly. This is the sociopaths’ greatest weapon–disarming honest people with their ability to reconstruct reality moment by moment–usually playing victim at the same time demanding their prey take responsibility. This is exactly what we saw between Travis Alexander and Jodi Arias.

This dynamic is all over Cindy’s journal and in conversations she had with me. By that time she was a bug caught in his web and any way she tried to free herself got her stuck even deeper. And her one secret weapon she couldn’t access at the time was her own screaming intuition that knew something was wrong. Which he wiped out with his huge bear claw of words each and every time. Pretty astounding for someone who claimed they didn’t have good command of the English language.

And my sister was smart. Not all his women were, like Kea Amara, but my sister was.

She was smart but vulnerable and one open crack is all they need to slip through.

 

 

beginning again

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Today is my first day since arriving in Edmonds of really beginning this book project. My husband graciously drove me here from Arizona (yes he did 100% of the driving as I relaxed co-piloted) and with one fun overnight in Portland for a Portlandia style Valentine’s Day, we basically high-tailed it up here. Gorgeous scenery by the way through Utah and Idaho–States I’d not visited before except SLC briefly as a child. My thoughtful husband even had roses delivered to our table at the restaurant unbeknownst to me–actually I didn’t even realize he knew the name of the restaurant as I’d made the reservations. A fun tapas place showcased on the crazy show Portlandia.

We rested a day and a half here in Edmonds going to see The Revenant (!!!) and eating Oprah’s favorite fried chicken, then John left yesterday to fly back to PA and for me to begin this writing journey again.

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I’m here for 4 solid weeks this time so can work at a more organized and leisurely pace as I truly feel confident I can complete the major parts of writing this book now. Editing will come later but the vast materials I am sifting through and the organizing/writing part will be doable. I’m also working with a writing coach/editor this time and will be sending out some proposals. Wish me luck.

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With the luxury of more time, I decided to start with reading Juan Martinez’ book about convicting Jodi Arias. As I sat in that courtroom nearly every day with the family, this case is near and dear to my heart. I’ll ease in to the horror of our own case through his story telling of that one. Ironically his book was released the day I arrived here so I had it sent to me in WA. Per my plan I woke up before the crack of dawn this morning and began reading by the dim light of my cozy studio.

The sociopathy of Jodi Arias is so astounding and mind boggling as I read it described again through Martinez’ words. Her initial interview, which I’d watched on video many times, still blows me away. “Seamless” is such a perfect word he chooses to describe her velvety style of moving from story to story manipulated to defend herself while showing absolutely zero sign of anxiety. THAT my friends is a hallmark of sociopathy. And, I believe, evil manifested in this world. No shame, no remorse, no guilt, no fear.

I was also struck by the things Arias was interested in during the initial interviews. She desperately wanted to see crime scene photos and to know how Travis’ family was doing.

I believe Arias is far more dangerous than most killers including the Apelts for one reason: she took pleasure in the killing of Travis and by proxy the pain she inflicted on his family. She was demonstrating that from day one. I think she got a taste for that power and pleasure in killing and was setting off at her arrest toward her next victim with her newly purchased gun and two knives. I believe she was a budding serial killer aborted by her arrest. I just wonder who she was headed for next and also wonder if Martinez has speculated on that. Who do you think she was headed for with her concealed weapons when she was arrested?

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yes those are the roses my husband had sent to our table

I’m about a third of the way through the book and may make more notes as I go along. The sun came up and I needed a break. It’s very heavy material. I’ll continue to make notes here on it as I go along.

In addition to Martinez’ book, I had some other documents delivered to me here. One key piece of documentation was missing from all the case files I brought with me last time which was Michael Apelt’s testimony. Like Arias, it’s stunning in its display of sociopathy so for the book I have to get the exact quotes. It will leave your jaw dropping as it did all of us in the courtroom that day. Sociopaths think they can convince people by making up reality moment by moment as they go along. The sad thing is this does work for them much of the time. They will use terms like “you heard me wrong” or “you are making that up” or “that’s not what I said”  when confronted on their indiscrepancies and move, seamlessly as Martinez notes, to their next oleaginous fabricated stories. This process is confusing to most people but not to seasoned prosecutors like Martinez and our Cathy Hughes. They are expecting and waiting for it. Martinez was doing this research on her from Day One which is what is required. Sociopaths are generally the best at this game in town so it’s challenging to keep up with their slippery maneuvers.

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I’ll get to this file likely tomorrow. I have to be ready to open it all up again but will likely start there, the newest material I have. Plus I have to pick up some more highlighter pens today as I forgot mine ;).

The weather here is partly cloudy and gorgeous. I love it. I feel so peaceful here as I gaze out at the Puget Sound and breathe this lovely humid air.

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I’m for the most part alone here, as planned, so it helps to know you are all out there reading as I go along. For some reason, this is hurting my heart more to go in to this time than it did last time. Maybe it’s because I know what’s in there. Maybe because I’m thinking of Travis and his family. Maybe because this is just all part of the healing through writing for me.

Thanks for being there. ❤